DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class!
The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. 1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. 1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry.
"Do you know WHO I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.
"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
COLLEGES
How many Harvard students does it take to change
a lightbulb?
One. He holds the bulb and the world revolves
around him.
How many Yale students does it take to change
a lightbulb?
None. New Haven looks better in the dark.
How many Cornell students does it take to change
a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to
crack under pressure.
How many Missouri State students does it take
to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to
complain about how if they were at a better school the lightbulb wouldn't
go out.
How many MIT students does it take?
Five. One to design a nuclear-powered one
that never needs charging, one to figure out how to power the rest of Boston
with the lightbulb, two to install it, and one to write the computer program
that controls the wall switch.
How many Columbia students does it take?
Seventy six. One to change the lightbulb,
fifty to protest the lightbulb's right not to change, and twenty five to
hold a counter protest.
PARENTAL EXCUSES NOTES
1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being
absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent
yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was
his father's fault.
4. Chris will not be in school because he
has an acre in his side.
5. John has been absent because he had two
teeth taken off his face.
6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday
because she had a going over.
8. My son is under the doctor's care and should
not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he
was playing football. He was hit in
the growing part.
10. My daughter was absent yesterday because
she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.
11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few
days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school.
He has very loose vowels.
13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because
she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was
also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There
must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today.
She is administrating.
15. George was absent yesterday because he
had a stomach.
16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he
had a sore trout.
17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She
was sick and I had her shot.
18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems
with her ovals.
THE TOP 10 LIES TOLD BY GRADUATE
STUDENTS
10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college
roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.
9. I'd be delighted to proofread your
book/chapter/article.
8. My work has a lot of practical importance.
7. I would never date an undergraduate.
6. Your latest article was so inspiring.
5. I turned down a lot of great job
offers to come here.
4. I just have one more book to read
and then I'll start writing.
3. The department is giving me so much
support.
2. My job prospects look really good.
1. No really, I'll be out of here in
only two more years.
YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN AT
UNIVERSITY TOO LONG WHEN...
* You consider McDonald's "real food"
* You actually like doing laundry at home
* 4:00 AM is still early on the weekends
* It starts getting late on the weeknights
* Two miles is not too far to walk for a party
* You wear dirty socks three times in a row
and think nothing of it
* You'd rather clean than study
* "How did it get so late!" comes out of your
mouth at least once a night
* Half the time you don't wake up in your
own bed and it seems normal
* Minesweeper is more than a game, it's a
way of life
* You schedule your classes around sleep habits
and soaps
* You know the pizza boy by name
* You go to sleep when it's light and get
up when it's dark
* You live for getting mail
* Looking out the window is a form of entertainment
* Prank phone calls become funny again
* It feels weird to take a shower without
shoes on
* Whole wars can take place, and you are clueless
(no connection to the outside world)
* You start thinking and sounding like your
roommate
* Blacklights and highlighters are the coolest
things on earth
* Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime
* You find out milk crates had so many uses
* Wal-mart is the coolest store
* The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday,
(or Wednesday morning to Tuesday night)
* You are sitting around making lists about
how you know you've been in college too long
YOU MIGHT BE A GRADUATE STUDENT
IF....
You just might be a grad student if:
...you can identify universities by their internet
domains.
...you are constantly looking for a thesis
in novels.
...you have difficulty reading anything that
doesn't have footnotes.
...you understand jokes about Foucoult.
...the concept of free time scares you.
...you consider caffeine to be a major food
group.
...you've ever brought books with you on vacation
and actually studied.
...Saturday nights spent studying no longer
seem weird.
...the professor doesn't show up to class
and you discuss the readings anyway.
...you've ever travelled across two state
lines specifically to go to a library.
...you appreciate the fact that you get to
choose *which* twenty hours out of the day you have to work.
...you still feel guilty about giving students
low grades (you'll get over it).
...you can read course books and cook at the
same time.
...you schedule events for academic vacations
so your friends can come.
...you hope it snows during spring break so
you can get more studying in.
...you've ever worn out a library card.
...you find taking notes in a park relaxing.
...you find yourself citing sources in conversation.
...you've ever sent a personal letter with
footnotes.
A DAUGHTER'S LETTER
Dear Mother and Dad,
It has now been three months since I left for
college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for the thoughtlessness
in not having written before. I will bring you up-to-date now, but before
you read on, please sit down. You are not going to read any further unless
you are sitting down. Okay? Well, then, I am getting along pretty well
now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the
window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are
pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital, and now
I can see almost normally and only get those sick headaches one a day.
Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an
attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who
called the Fire Department and the ambulance.
He also visited me in the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because
of the burnt-out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his
apartment with him. Its really a basement room, but its kind of cute. He
is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to
get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my
pregnancy begins to show. Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how
much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will
welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care
you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage
is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing
the pre-marital blood test and I carelessly caught it from him. this will
clear up with the
penicillin injections I am now taking daily.
I know you will welcome him into the family with open arms. He is kind
and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different
race and religion than ours, I know your oft-expressed tolerance will not
permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat different
than ours. I am sure that you will love him as I do. His family background
is good too, for I am told that his father is an important engineer for
the sanitation department he works for. Although they say he runs his office
from his truck. Now that I have brought you up-to-date, folks, I want to
tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion
or a skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am
not
engaged, I do not have syphilis, and there
is no schwartze in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in history and
an "F" in science, ...and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper
perspective.
Your loving daughter,
40
Tips for Proper English
1. Avoid alliteration.
Always.
2. Never use
a long word when a diminutive one will do.
4. Employ the
vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands
& abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical
remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. Remember
to never split an infinitive.
8. Contractions
aren't necessary.
9. Foreign
words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should
never generalize.
11. Eliminate
quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what
you know."
12. Comparisons
are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be
redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's
highly superfluous.
14. Be more
or less specific.
15. Understatement
is always best.
16. One-word
sentences? Eliminate.
17. Analogies
in writing are like feathers on a snake.
18. The passive
voice is to be avoided.
19. Go around
the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
20. Even if
a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
21. Who needs
rhetorical questions?
22. Exaggeration
is a billion times worse than understatement.
23. Don't never
use a double negation.
24. capitalize
every sentence and remember always end it with point
25. Do not
put statements in the negative form.
26. Verbs have
to agree with their subjects.
27. Proofread
carefully to see if you words out.
28. If you
reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
of repetition
can be avoided by rereading and editing.
29. A writer
must not shift your point of view.
30. And don't
start a sentence with a conjunction.
(Remember,
too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
31. Don't overuse
exclamation marks!!
32. Place pronouns
as close as possible, especially in long sentences,
as of 10 or
more words, to their antecedents.
33. Writing
carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
34. If any
word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
35. Take the
bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
36. Avoid trendy
locutions that sound flaky.
37. Everyone
should be careful to use a singular pronoun
with singular
nouns in their writing.
38. Always
pick on the correct idiom.
39. The adverb
always follows the verb.
40. Last but
not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable
alternatives.
TEST ANSWERS
A teacher forwarded this list of comments from
test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by
elementary, junior high, high school, and college students.
As she noted, "It is truly astonishing what
weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time
and grades."
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire"
"A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
"When you breathe, you inspire. When you don't, you expire."
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."
"The body consists of three parts -- the brainium,
the borax, and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain,
the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains
the bowls, of which there are five -- a,e, i, o, and u."
THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one loose tooth, 2 leese teeth? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a SINGLE annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo or a truck by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? Lift a thumb to thumb a lift? Table a plan in order to plan a table?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the
same, while a wise man and wise guy are
opposites? How can overlook and oversee be
opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can a person
be "pretty ugly?"
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another. Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on. Why is "crazy man" an insult, while to insert a comma and say "crazy, man!" is a compliment (as when applauding a jazz performance.)
English was invented by people, not computers,
and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't
a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible,
but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up
my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
Two
students were fighting outside the examination hall. A teacher passing
by asked them the reason. One of the boys replied, "This fool left his
answer paper blank!" The teacher was surprised and asked, "So what’s the
problem?" The boy said. "I too have left my paper blank. Now the teacher
correcting my paper will think that I copied from him."
Teacher
: Children we can learn from ants, they work hard everyday. The ant works
all the time and what happens in the end?
Student
: Somebody steps on him.
A
grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
"Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's
father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like
that to a Seven-year-old?"
A
LETTER HOME
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
THE
EASY WAY TO WRITE HOME
Dear Parent(s), Date: ___________
I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics of interest to both of us.
Please send:
__
Money (Cash)! Amount: _________________________
__
Food (Cookies)! Dozens: ___________
__
Clean clothes!
Relationships:
__
What?
__
I am in love with myself
__
I am in love!
__
I am engaged
__
I got married last weekend
My Roommate:
__
Worships the ground I walk on
__
Gave me a black eye
__
Committed suicide and left a note saying I was the reason
__
Is afraid of the dark and wants to sleep with me in my bed ???
__
Has fleas
My Professors are:
__
Sadistic water walkers
__
Mental institution escapees
__
Brain dead nerds
__
Super oxygen thieves
Latest News:
__
I wrecked the car
__
I can't use your credit card because I have exceeded the credit limit
__
You are going to have a grandchild
__
False alarm - you are NOT going to have a grandchild
Food:
__
Is great!
__
Even makes me appreciate your cooking
__
I have had pizzas for the last eleven meals
Grades:
__
I am making all A's
__
I am not being properly challenged
__
I will be home after this semester
I study:
__
Night and day
__
All the time
__
80 hours a week
__
Only on Sunday afternoon
__
None of the above
Daily Devotions:
__
I read my Bible everyday
__
I can't read
__
Someone stole my Bible while I was at one of the local bars
On my last visit home, I left:
__
My glasses
__
My paper that was due yesterday
__
The clothes you washed for me
__
My (girlfriend's) birth control pills
__
The check to cover my delinquent tuition payment
__
Other _____________________________________________
Please send above items by Federal Express (Priority One) or UPS (Blue)
Laundry:
__
My white underwear is now _________________
__
I am saving money by not using detergent
__
Don't worry, I washed my clothes last semester
__
I hang my clothes out the window when it rains
My room:
__
Can pass your "white glove" test
__
Is only _____% full
__
Could not be located last Saturday night
__
Was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training
Parties:
__
I don't inhale
__
I only go to meet people
__
Haven't been to one since this morning
Hope you:
__
Miss me
__
Can live without me
__
Are not overdoing the celebration of my absence
Salutation:
__
Your Daughter,
__
Your Son,
__
Yours,
__________________________________________________
Signature (Scribble if Pre-Med or Pre-Law)
Note: Witnesses are not required for your mark ("X")
JOKES FOR THE EFL CLASS
Obsessive-compulsive Disorder
A Stanford research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 3,000 responses about three days after the ad came out. All from the same person.
Pearly Gates for Married Men
In heaven, there are two gates for married men: The gate for married men that say that they are the boss, and the gate for married men who admit that their wife is the boss. Saint Peter was strolling near the two gates one afternoon. In front of the gate for married men who admit that their wife is the boss, was a big long line. In front of the gate for men who say they are the boss was one fellow, standing all by himself. "Say Buddy, what are you doing over by THAT gate?" inquired Saint Peter. "Well, Saint Peter, I'm really not sure," replied the man "but this is where my wife told me to stand."
Charitable Donations
There nuns in a local convert receive an anonymous donation of $100 each. The first nun, Sister Mary Margaret, says, "I'm going to give my money to the poor box." The second nun, Sister Mary Rose says "I'm going to use my money to paint the sanctuary." The third nun, Sister Mary Ambrosia says "I'm going to leave the convent, and give my money to some poor soul who looks like he needs it."
So, she leaves to convent, heading for the lower end of town, where she encounter a destitute looking man. She approaches him, hands him the money, saying only, "Godspeed, my son."
The next evening, there is a knocking on the convent door. Sister Mary Margaret answers the door, and there is the destitute man from the prior evening. "May I see Sister Mary Ambrosia?" he asks. "Just a moment my son..."
She retrieves Sister Mary Ambrosia. She sees the man and asks, "What is it, my son?"
"Here is your money. All $700 of it! Godspeed paid 6-to-1."
The Juggler
A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously. "I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act." "Well show me," the officer demanded. So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer. Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said,"Holy Mother, I've got to give up the drink! Look at the test they're giving now!"
A Singing Parakeet
A fellow walks into a pet store and asks to buy a canary. The proprietor replies, "I'm fresh out, but I DO have a parakeet." The customer insists on a canary, until the shop owner informs him that a parakeet can be made to sound like a canary if one files the beak just so. "But be careful not to file too much off, or the parakeet will drown when he goes to take a drink of water." The potential customer decides that this is complete bull, but thanks the shop owner politely and leaves, sans parakeet.
He goes into another pet shop and asks for a canary -- no luck. "But", says the shop owner, "I do have a parakeet, and if you file the beak just so, it can be made to sound just like a canary." He goes on to explain that filing off too much beak will jeopardize the bird's life, due to the potential for drowning when he takes a drink. The fellow finally decides that there is some merit to these claims and buys the parakeet. "Besides", he thinks to himself, "parakeets are much cheaper."
His next stop is a hardware store, where he wanders into the file section, holding his recently purchased bird. The owner wanders by and asks of he needs some help. The new bird owner explains how he intends to make his parakeet sing like a canary. The hardware store owner knowingly picks up a file and hands it to him. "Here, a Nichols #2 bastard file. But be careful not to file too much off, or the poor bird might drown." The new bird and file owner thanks the hardware store owner and leaves for home.
A few weeks later, the bird owner wanders into the hardware store. The owner, recognizing him, asks how he made out with the parakeet. The fellow looks down and sadly reports "Bird's dead". The hardware store owner shares his sorrow and asks,"Filed off too much beak?" To which the former bird owner replies, "Nah, he was dead when I took him out of the vise."
The Power of Miracles
Jesus recently walked into a bar somewhere
in the Western World. He approached three
sad-faced gentlemen at a table, and greeted
the first one: "What's troubling you, brother?" he said. "My eyes. I keep
getting stronger and stronger glasses, and I still can't see." Jesus touched
the man, who ran outside to tell the world about his now 20-20 vision.
The next gentleman couldn't hear Jesus questioning him, so The Lord just touched his ears, restoring his hearing to perfection. This man, too, ran out the door, probably on his way to the audiologist to get a hearing-aid refund.
The third man leapt from his chair and backed up against the wall, even before Jesus could greet him. "Don't you come near me, man! Don't touch me!" he screamed. "I'm on disability!"
Snails for Dinner
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the famous people in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and _talk_ to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him.
Well, they got to talking. Several hours passed while the man was with the woman. Then he suddenly remembered his wife and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.
He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: "Come on guys, we're almost there!"
Happy Birthday Boss
Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday. Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"
His employees replied, "No."
Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bottle of scotch?"
His employees replied again, "No."
Finally the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?"
His workers responded, "A puppy."
